Looking: A Worship Leader’s Musings
from 10-17-21
Hebrews 12:2 “Looking unto Jesus…”
Looking -"to look away from one thing so as to see another; to concentrate the gaze upon" (Vine's Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words).
I came to the keyboard to worship the Lord this morning, and He had put a couple of songs on my heart. I had to take it very deliberately and very slowly because I didn’t want any of my old autopilot mindset to invade my gaze upon Him. For years I had fought to look totally at Him during my private times at the keyboard, but, in my mind’s eye, I had often found myself leading people in worship.
In the early years, there was none of this preoccupation; I would be wholly caught up in Him, seeing nothing but Him, pouring out my love and praise and gratefulness to Him as I played. I would say nothing aloud. (For a little while my worship voice was silent because I actually COULD NOT sing and play at the same time. Haha!) But as He blessed me with more skill and some understanding that He wanted to use me to serve His Body with music, my gaze changed. I would try to gaze only at Him, but would find myself thinking of standing before others, impressing others, receiving accolades from others. I would do my best to lay those thoughts aside and worship Him alone. He would help me find the place of purity.
Eventually He began to open many doors to serve Him in this way, and, as the responsibilities increased, I found it harder to throttle my thoughts. I was no longer thinking of being used of God one day in music, but now I was thinking of what the Lord would have me play for the upcoming meetings, what needs He wanted to meet in His people, what Word He was speaking to me for them. While these things were needful, they somehow diluted my heart’s secret worship, and it became increasingly difficult to separate looking at these from looking at Him.
Before long, my innocent, adoring gaze was swallowed up by ministry responsibility. I would still have my times of solitude in worshipping Him, and sometimes there would be moments of tears and wonder and intimacy. But it became more rare. It had been a daily thing, but now it was rare. I ached for that daily intimacy, but it eluded me and left me dry, disappointed, and heartsick.
I’m trying to gaze again at You, Lord. To love You with all my mind. To fill all the spaces of my mind with You. To worship You with every note and every chord, understanding that each is like a touching of Your face, a gesture, an offering to demonstrate my affection and adoration toward You. The moments between chords and notes are just the same. I paper the walls of my thoughts with You. I fill my thoughts with You.
May all the poison bleed out–all the mechanics of ministry. Let me savor every moment with You and draw near with one agenda–being with You.